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Plan Ahead – Setting up at Home

Posted by matt on January 12, 2014

Posted in: Uncategorized. Tagged: Home, Planning. Leave a Comment

This is the third in a series of posts about things a birth partner should plan ahead for.

Most men like having something tangible to do. We feel a lot better if we can see we’re accomplishing something, instead of reading “this week in your pregnancy” emails and waiting.

Fortunately for men and female birth partners that have a handy inclination, there are usually some things that need to be done around home to prepare for a baby.

The Nursery

Obviously, you’ll need to help set up the nursery. Assemble the crib, get the dresser moved in (just a bit to the left, no, too far, back a bit), hang pictures, set up the changing station, set up a bassinet if that’s part of the plan–all that is important. It’s important to have it done so that baby has a safe and comfortable place to come home to. It’s also important because having those things done will help mom-to-be feel cared for. Her sense of being cared for and supported will set the tone for the birthing room.

(With that tone-setting in mind, here is a caution for guys who tend to grumble through the honey-do lists: suck it up and do this stuff cheerfully. You can negotiate a time that works well for both you and her, but don’t be a grump when you’re doing it. When you’re on the field, have your “game face” on. In this case, your “game face” is helpful, decidedly non-grumpy, and definitely non-resentful. Think of this as practice, if you must.)

The Car Seat

Besides the nursery, install the car seat in whatever vehicle you’re planning to take to the hospital. It’s not hard (after years of practice, I can install a baby car seat in a vehicle without latch in less than a minute). Even though it’s not hard, it will take a while the first time you do it. Make sure to read the manual. Your baby (or if you’re a non-father birth partner, the baby of a woman you care about) is going into that seat. In fact, read the manual for the car and the car seat, give yourself plenty of time, and get the car seat installed solidly.

Many communities offer free car seat safety checks. Search for [your city name] car seat check, and you will probably find some information. Your birthing center or your non-emergency police line may also be able to direct you to the right place. The checks aren’t absolutely required, but they will give you peace of mind knowing that baby will be safe as possible in the car seat you just installed.

Once the car seat is installed, take one more step, just in case. Find two clean towels and tuck them in a large, clean garbage bag. Put the bag of towels in the car seat or somewhere else within easy reach. You will probably not need them, but if the drive to the hospital becomes unexpectedly and messily eventful, you’ll be glad they’re there.

Contraction Timing

At some point, when labor starts, you’ll need to time contractions. You can time using a clock (or watch, or timer) and paper, or you can use technology to help you out.

If you want to time by hand, search for “timing contractions”, or read about the basics of timing contractions. Time a few imaginary practice contractions to make sure you understand the method.

Unless you have to, don’t time by hand. Just don’t. Get an app for your handheld electronic device of choice, or find an online contraction timer that works with your device. Figure out how to use it. It should be ridiculously simple. It’s portable. It frees you up from doing time arithmetic and lets you focus on supporting the lovely woman having contractions.

(With that in mind, don’t use the contraction timer app as a gateway to distractions. Don’t switch from the contraction timer to a game or web surfing. That’s not supportive, and even during a contraction, she will pick up on your drifting attention.)

Other Miscellaneous Set-Up Tasks

Put the doctor and/or hospital’s phone number in your phone
Help the mother-to-be arrange outfits, diapers, etc in the nursery
Pack as much as possible (this will be covered by a future post)
Arrange for someone to care for pets or already-born kids
Sign up for hospital birthing classes if they’re offered (this will be covered by a future post)

When?

Due dates are educated guesses based on statistics and calendars. Baby’s due date is not the same as your target completion date.

Aim to have your set-up tasks finished a month before the due date. Doing so will mean reduced stress for everyone as the due date approaches–or having everything ready if baby comes early. Either way, planning to be set up early is a good idea.

Next up in the series: Plan Ahead – Take Birthing Classes

Plan Ahead – Birth Plan

Posted by matt on January 8, 2014

Posted in: Uncategorized. Tagged: Birth Plan, Planning. Leave a Comment

This is the second in a series of posts about things a birth partner should plan ahead for.

A birth plan is exactly that–a plan for birth. It’s a short, written plan that covers some of the big decisions related to giving birth.

As a birth partner, you should have at least one discussion with the mother-to-be as you work together to develop a birth plan. The completed plan will contain some valuable information, and you will have learned even more things that don’t end up in the plan–those things may be useful to you during the birth process.

There are a variety of checklists and birth plan creator tools on the internet. (Searching “birth plan checklist” brings up some great results.) There’s a just-what’s-necessary checklist in the Field Guide book. The exact decisions that get written down aren’t super-important. Instead it’s talking through the entire birth process and understanding preferences, concerns, fears, hopes, and figuring out how the ideal birth would happen.

It’s important to understand that the birth plan is just a plan. Plans change. It is important to be flexible about the birth plan. As Dwight D. Eisenhower said, “Plans are nothing. Planning is everything.” Make the plan, but be willing to change as circumstances require. In the (translated) words of Helmuth von Moltke, “no plan survives contact with the enemy.” Coming up with the plan helps you understand her preferences. If reality dictates a change of plans, understanding her preferences can help you provide the right kind of support and encouragement to keep the birth experience positive.

For example, she might want to have a natural childbirth, with no drugs or anesthesia. If complications arise and an emergency c-section is needed, she will need some sort of anesthesia. A good birth partner, knowing her preference, can provide encouragement, perhaps saying something like “I know you wanted this to be natural. This isn’t what we’d planned, but I know it’s going to be okay. Baby’s so lucky to have a mommy willing to change plans to keep him/her safe.” (Note: do not actually say “him/her”, although that could be pretty funny.)

As another example, she might want to have her birth partner (you!) cut the cord. Sometimes, though, all the excitement of childbirth, the sights and smells of various fluids, and the emotional exertion of being a supportive birth partner through labor can leave you feeling unsteady. In that case, it’s okay to decide not to cut the cord. “I know you wanted me to cut the cord. I want to too. My knees are too wobbly to do that though. We’ll have the doctor do that and we’ll get baby to you right away.”

Remember, the birth plan is important, but the real value is the process of planning, understanding her preferences, and starting to understand what’s going on inside her head.

After you have a birth plan you’re both pretty happy with, you should attend a prenatal appointment together. That will allow the birth partner, the mother-to-be, and the doctor to go over the birth plan together to make sure you have covered the important things, ensure your plan is reasonable, and doesn’t include any outdated practices. This will help you get a bit of exposure to the viewpoint of medical staff, and once again, this will help you understand the preferences of the mother-to-be.

For more reading, check out these articles from a labor and delivery nurse:

Next up in the series: Plan Ahead – Setting up at Home

Plan Ahead – The Drive

Posted by matt on January 5, 2014

Posted in: Uncategorized. Tagged: Drive, Planning. 1 comment

This is the first in a series of posts about things a birth partner should plan ahead for.

Most babies in the United States are born at a hospital. Most people in the United States do not live at a hospital. That means that when it’s time for a baby to be born, somehow the mother needs to get to the hospital.

That sounds easy enough, right? Load her up in the car, pull out of the driveway, and drive to the hospital. Done.

Yes, the drive to the hospital is pretty straightforward, if:

you know which door to go to,
you know which hospital and how to get there,
traffic isn’t terrible,
the weather cooperates,
construction hasn’t closed the road you planned on, and
you keep calm enough to drive safely.

Let’s take a look at these in a little more detail.

Most hospitals have more than one door. You need to know which one you need to go to. Your first thought may be to take the laboring mother to the emergency room. That’s probably not the right place. Visit the hospital (yes, in person) and find out which door to use. When you find the door that leads to the birth center (or maternity ward, or whatever your local hospital calls it), go in and talk to the receptionist. Ask whether there is anything different you will need to do at night, and ask where you should park.

For some people, there’s only one hospital around. In my hometown, we called it “the hospital”. Today when I say “the hospital”, I mean one of the two hospitals in town. In bigger cities, there might be even more. It’s important that you know the right hospital to go to, and how to get there.

Once you know which hospital to go to and have your route planned out, you should also do some contingency planning. What if you need to get to the hospital at rush hour? (Those of you in “rush minute” towns may not need to worry about this.) Is there an alternative route that is faster at rush hour than your normal route?

Another contingency to prepare for is bad weather. Some parts of the country get snow and ice that make travel difficult, slow, or impossible. Flooding can close low-lying roads. Whatever the potential difficult weather conditions in your area, have a plan. In inclement weather, would a different route be safer or faster?

It is a good idea to drive each one of your selected routes as practice. This will ensure that you are familiar with the route, as well as ensuring that the route is actually correct. It would be embarrassing, at least, to say “don’t worry, honey, we’re almost there”, only to discover that you’ll need to go the wrong way down a one-way street. Driving your selected routes also gives you a chance to check for construction or other unexpected problems.

At some point, you will have to make the drive for real. It can be very stressful driving a contracting, laboring, nervous, very pregnant woman to the hospital to give birth. Your primary task during the drive is to get her to the hospital safely. Traffic laws still apply, physics still apply, and good sense still applies. Running red lights, speeding, or other traffic violations are a bad idea. Stay calm and reassuring. Stay calm. Stay calm. It’s worth repeating, because it can be difficult. Stay calm.

If you plan ahead and stay calm, the drive to the hospital should go well. Now, you might not make it in time if it’s a ridiculously fast labor–which is possible–but your preparation should put you close enough to the hospital that help can get to you quickly. Most of the time, though, labor is not that ridiculously fast, so being prepared and doing the drive safely means you’ll get to the hospital with plenty of time, reasonably calm, and ready for labor and birth.

Not everyone will use a car to get to the hospital for a variety of reasons. If you are in a non-car situation–maybe a city dweller that has no need for a car–planning ahead for the right way to get to the hospital is just as necessary. Many of the factors listed above (which door to use, weather, keeping calm) can be equally important to those not using a car to get to the hospital.

Next up in the series: Plan Ahead – Birth Plan

What is a “Birth Partner”?

Posted by matt on December 30, 2013

Posted in: Uncategorized. Tagged: Definition. Leave a Comment

As I started working on this book, one question came up that surprised me: “what is a birth partner?”

As I thought about the question, I realized I shouldn’t be surprised. After all, the answer to the question covers a lot of the reasons for the existence of this book in the first place!

A “birth partner” is a (non-medical) person that helps a woman through childbirth. The birth partner provides both practical and emotional support. Practical support means helping with things that need to be done, like driving to the hospital, getting water for the laboring mother to drink, or holding a leg during pushing. Emotional support means providing reassurance, comfort, or strength. Sometimes emotional support is as simple as holding the laboring mother’s hand or stroking her hair, and sometimes it’s a lot more complicated.

The term “birth partner” isn’t used a lot in general conversation. TV and movies usually don’t portray men as effective birth partners (usually because TV and movies rarely have accurate birth scenes, but that’s another topic). Sometimes the grandmother-to-be or a friend of the mother-to-be is shown in the birth partner role. No matter who the birth partner is, in real life or on TV, they don’t get called a “birth partner”. They get referred to more specifically:

“my husband, Bob”
“my mom”
“my best friend, Jenny”

Anyone can act as a birth partner. Most often, the birth partner role is filled by someone with a very close relationship to the mother-to-be. Sometimes, two people fill that role. Occasionally, a professional support person, such as a doula, is hired to be a birth partner.

Regardless of who the birth partner is, it’s important to the laboring mother to have a birth partner that is supportive both practically and emotionally.

I mentioned earlier that the explanation of what a birth partner is covers a lot of the reasons for the existence of this book. This book was written mostly for men (though it’s perfectly applicable to other birth partners-to-be). Men generally understand that women in labor need practical support. That’s what the doctor and nurses (or midwife, or other medical staff) are for, right? Well, not exactly. On the emotional side, men don’t usually realize the need a laboring mother will have for emotional support until the middle of labor. By then, it’s too late to get prepared to provide the kind of support that the laboring mother needs.

In other words, as a culture, or at least as men within this culture, we don’t understand that both practical and emotional support are necessary. And even when we do, we don’t take the time to find out what kinds of practical and emotional support are needed at different stages of labor.

With that in mind, let’s look back at the earlier definition and update it just a little bit.

A good birth partner is a (non-medical) person that helps a woman through childbirth, by providing useful practical support and the right kind of emotional support throughout the labor process.

Birth partners, this is what I hope you aspire to. (The Field Guide to Being an Awesome Birth Partner book can help!)

The Perils of Doing Nothing

Posted by matt on January 2, 2013

Posted in: Uncategorized. Tagged: Motivation. Leave a Comment

One of the biggest concerns that women have about their birth partner before the birth is that he won’t know what to do or that he’ll do the wrong thing.

One of the biggest fears that men have is a fear of failure. If we’re pretty sure that we’re not going to succeed, we have a tendency to check out. Have you ever seen a football team, down by 28 in the fourth quarter? They’re on the field, running plays, but you can tell when their hearts aren’t in it. They’re just letting time expire so they can get to the locker room.

A checked-out birth partner can be worse than no birth partner at all. Birth partners, think of it from the perspective of the mother in labor. She’s uncomfortable or in pain, and the person she trusts to help her through everything suddenly stops being helpful. Sure, he’s still there, but he’s not doing anything. If she’d known she wouldn’t have help, she could have planned on it, but the pain of dashed expectations while she’s already going through labor can really add up.

If you have a tendency to check out because you’re afraid you’ll fail, recognize that tendency in yourself. Knowing you have that tendency will help you catch yourself feeling like it’s time to check out and do something safe, like turn on the TV. As a birth partner, one of your primary goals is to be emotionally supportive. You can’t do that if you check out.

If you check out because you’re afraid you’ll fail at being emotionally supportive, guess what? You’ve failed.

If you keep yourself engaged in the process and try to be emotionally supportive, at least making an effort even if you don’t know what you’re doing, you will succeed.

Checking out guarantees you fail.

Now, if you’re checked in, engaged in the process, and trying to be supportive, you still might have troubles. The more you know, the better you’ve prepared, the more ready you are, the better you’ll do. But even if you’re totally unprepared, being checked in puts you miles ahead of where you’d be if you were checked out.

Have you ever seen a football team down by six with three minutes to go in the fourth quarter, and 90 yards to go? They’re totally engaged. Totally checked in. Ready to do what it takes to win—because if they sit around and do nothing, they lose.

Field Guide to Being an Awesome Birth Partner

Everything you need to know to do a great job as a birth partner, without a lot of stuff you don't.