This is the sixth in a series of posts about things a birth partner should plan ahead for.
- Plan Ahead – The Drive
- Plan Ahead – Birth Plan
- Plan Ahead – Setting up at Home
- Plan Ahead – Take Birthing Classes
- Plan Ahead – Packing
- Plan Ahead – Know Her Situation
- Plan Ahead – Be Ready to Comfort
- Plan Ahead – Series Wrap-Up
Did you know that the woman whose birth partner you’re going to be has a pretty good idea of what her pregnancy situation is? Did you know she has birth-related concerns, and could list at least a few of them without thinking too much about it?
You probably know that. Those are pretty silly questions. Yes, of course she knows what’s going on with her.
How about you? Can you, without wandering off to think about it, give me a pretty good summary of her pregnancy situation? Can you list a couple of her concerns about giving birth?
If not, it’s time to have a conversation. You need to get inside her head and understand what is going on. A great American philosopher once explained that “knowing is half the battle.”
The point of the conversation is not to try to fix things or dismiss her concerns. The conversation should not go like this:
You: Hey, so I read this post that says I should know about your pregnancy situation and concerns, so let’s talk.
Her (feeling loved and valued, but slightly confused): Okay, I guess now works.
You: So, um, what are your concerns about giving birth?
Her: Well, I’m a bit worried about how much labor is supposed to hurt.
You: Psssh. Don’t worry about that. If it hurts too much, we’ll just get you an epidural. Didn’t Sally say that she couldn’t even feel it after her epidural?
Dismissing her concerns or trying to fix them will tell her that you’re not really interested, even if you’re incredibly interested, taking notes, and doing your best to understand every part of her situation and concerns. Yeah, it could be frustrating. Yes, it might not be an easy conversation to have. Yes, it will be worth it.
Ask her about her concerns. Ask her about how her pregnancy is going. Ask if her doctor has mentioned any potential complications (late-term head-up positioning, gestational diabetes, and Group B Strep come to mind as things that might worry her). Whatever concerns or complications she mentions, reassure her that you will be with her through the whole thing.
Now, she might have concerns about you.
You: Anything else you’re worried about?
Her (uncomfortable): Well, I don’t know…
You: It’s okay, you can tell me. What is it?
Her: Well, it’s just that…well…Sally said Mark thought the birth part was totally gross, and passed out so the doctor had to cut the cord instead of him and then the nurses were trying to take care of him so it took longer to get the baby to her and she didn’t know if the baby was okay or if Mark was okay and she was really worried and then they didn’t get any good pictures of them holding newborn Kayden and I don’t want that to happen!
Well. Good luck with that.
The way you handle her concerns about you will vary based on your relationship and experiences. A good response could be anything from “um, wait a second there, I’m a trauma surgeon, so birth will be a piece of cake” to “yeah, you’re right, maybe I’ll have to sit down by your head so I don’t see blood–you know how I get when I see blood”, to “I know, but this book you got me is helping me be completely prepared and ready to do the right thing, so even if I pass out I should do everything else right.” There are many possible responses. Just pick one that’s gentle and loving, not defensive and snotty.
No matter whether she has concerns about you, no matter what the potential complications, no matter what her pregnancy situation, your taking the time to understand her exact situation gives you two great benefits:
- It strengthens your relationship with her. That’s valuable enough on its own. It will also help you be a more effective birth partner.
- It gives you more knowledge so you can be better prepared.
Those benefits make the conversation (or multiple conversations) worth having.
Next up in the series: Plan Ahead – Be Ready to Comfort