The previous post talked about the importance of providing emotional support.  This post is going to examine using words for emotional support, and the importance of making sure the words you use are encouraging.

As a birth partner, you want to keep the spirits of the laboring mother up.  If she gets down on herself, grumpy, or starts feeling like she just can’t do it anymore, her birth experience is going to be more difficult.  Not only that, she’s going to remember the experience less positively.  In turn, that means, while she may appreciate help you provided, she’ll still associate you with a less-positively-remembered experience.

Bummer.  Wouldn’t it be nice to be associated with an experience that she remembers as positively as possible?

Let’s examine some American wisdom literature:

Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam,

and the deer and the antelope play,

where seldom is heard a discouraging word

and the skies are not cloudy all day!

The poet reminds us that an experience remembered as pleasantly as critters frolicking in a sunny field cannot include discouraging words.

The generic sports movie coach might give his team some “tough love” early on.  But how often do they make it to the championship game, head to the locker room at halftime, only to hear the coach say “You know, boys, y’all really don’t have what it takes.  I know it’s a close game, but I can’t see that second half going any better.  Sure can’t see us winning.  But I suppose, let’s get out there and not embarrass ourselves too badly.”  Doesn’t happen.

So don’t get into the birthing room and be discouraging.  Here are a few things that might come to mind that you shouldn’t say:

• “The nurse doesn’t think you’re doing very well.”
• “You look tired.  And we’re barely getting started.”
• “Can’t you make this go any faster?”
• “I thought we’d decided no epidural.  Why can’t you stick to the plan?”
• “I have a feeling you’re going to need a C-Section if you can’t do better.”

There are many, many other things that can be discouraging.  Think before you speak, and look for words that build her up, give her hope, remind her she’s not along, and give her extra strength.  Here are a few suggestions:

• “I’m proud of how you’re holding up.”
• “You can do it.”
• “I know you can do this.”
• “I’m here with you.”
• “That’s good, keep it up, you’re doing great.”

Keep these in mind as things to say if you can’t think of something encouraging at a particular moment.  Having some fallback phrases in mind can be helpful during stressful parts of the birth process, because you don’t have to feel as on-the-spot to come up with words and make sure they’re encouraging.

The tone you use matters, but that’s a different post.  For now, just remember that your tone needs to match the words you’re saying.  Encouraging words with a distant (or worse, discouraging) tone will undo any good of the words, make the poor laboring mother feel unsupported, and you’ll have to fix the problem you created for both of you.

Use encouraging words, with a sincere and encouraging tone, and you’ll be well on your way to being an awesome birth partner.

 (There are more encouraging, supportive, comforting words in the Field Guide to Being an Awesome Birth Partner.)